Mascot
by Wyrm
Summary: Kyo thought showing Tohru some martial arts moves would be bad, but he had no idea...
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: In the name of international copyright law, I shall punish you! 

* * *

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" 

Kyo merely sighed as he flicked his tail. He'd felt that trying to teach Tohru some basic martial arts moves was a bad idea, but when she'd asked him with those large, pleading eyes of hers... 

"It's okay," he said. 

"I'm so clumsy, I-" 

"I said it's okay! I'm the one with the black-belt, I should have been able to dodge you." 

She stopped apologizing, but her head was still hung; he'd been so fired up last night after returning from training with shishou** that Tohru had gotten caught up in his enthusiasm, and asked him to train her a bit the next day. She was so clumsy, and there were no training mats, and she had no gi, but... 

** [shishou ="martial arts master", Kazuma in this case] 

"We'll try again," he said, "and next time I won't transform." 

Her face lit up as she lifted her head. 

"Thank you, Kyo-kun! I... Wh- wh- wha- wha- wha..." 

She trailed off, mouth hanging open, eyes bugged out. What the? Kyo turned to see what she was staring at, and _his_ mouth fell open as he beheld a floating ball of light. 

"Thank goodness!" said the ball of light. "It looks like I finally found the right person!" 

"What the hell?!" said Kyo. The ball of light jerked back, as if in surprise, then floated over to... examine him. 

"Well, I _must_ have found the right person, if you're already with her, Remus." 

"Remus?" asked Kyo. "Who's that? Who the hell are you? _What_ are you?" 

"You can't remember?" replied the ball. "Oh dear, the Dark must have used magic to erase your memories." Kyo flinched; erase his memories? How did it know about Hatori and- Wait a second, "the dark"? 

"Listen, you freaking ball of light, wha-" 

"Oh my, and it looks like they cast another spell on you to destabilize your cat form." 

"What?" 

Suddenly the ball zipped over and _entered_ him. 

"Wh-wh-wha-" 

He felt a tingly sensation in his chest, then felt a power like the transformation magic, but _wrong_ somehow, pass through him. Then the ball exited him, looking dimmer than before. 

"I..." it said in a weakened voice. "I've locked away the magic that... was trying to change you out of your cat form-" 

"What?!" yelled Kyo. 

"But the effort has drained me... I can no longer stay here... Until I regain my strength..." 

"You locked me in my cat form?!" 

"Here..." Something fell from the ball. "Take the Scepter of Light... Transform... and fight... the Dark..." With that, the ball of light faded from view. 

Kyo looked at what the ball had dropped. It was several feet long and looked to be made of gold, except for the metallic red heart and white wings at one end... Wait a minute. Wand type thingy, transforming, fighting evil... 

It all suddenly, horribly clicked in Kyo's mind. 

"That ball thought that you're a magical girl and that I'm your _mascot_!" 

Tohru blinked, then blinked again. 

"**EEEEHHHHHHHHHH???!!!!**" 

* * *

Kyo slowly approached the wand and cautiously prodded it with a paw; nothing happened. 

"I'm sorry," Tohru said quietly. 

"Huh?" He jerked his head up to see her head slumped down, bangs covering her eyes. 

"If... If I hadn't bumped into you, hadn't turned you into a cat, you... You wouldn't be stuck. I'm so sorry." Tears began to trickle down her cheeks. 

Gah! She was crying! 

"No no no! It's not your fault! These types of thing happen- Well, not becoming a magical girl, those types of things don't- I mean, I mean... It must have been destiny! Yeah, right! Destiny is real big with magical girls, right? Anyways, it's my fault, I shouldn't have opened my mouth like that in front of a stranger." And what could be stranger than a talking ball of light? 

She sniffled a bit, but seemed to have stopped crying. Wiping eyes, she knelt down and picked up the wand. 

"What do I do with this?" she asked. "How can I get it to its owner?" 

"Huh? That blob of light gave it to you." 

"M-me? B-but I can't be a magical girl, I-" 

"Look, it thought you were it before I opened my mouth, right?" 

"But, such a thing isn't possible! _Me_?" 

"But aren't magical girls supposed to be ditzy and clumsy?" Kyo muttered to himself. 

"Eh?" 

"Nothing, nothing. Look, I don't know if it's a good guide for the real thing, but in the magical girl shows it's always some ordinary girl that gets picked, right?" 

She still looked skeptical. 

"Look," he continued, "just try to transform. Those things don't work for just anyone, right? So if it works, then that blob thing was right." 

"But how do I do that?" 

"Uhhh... Just hold that scepter above your head and say the first thing that pops into your head." 

She slowly stood up, raised the scepter aloft, closed her eyes, and called out "Lovely heart power-up transform!" 

Kyo's eyes widened as streamers of light snaked around her, then slammed them shut. After a few seconds, he heard her ask "Kyo-kun, why are eyes shut?" 

"B-because, when you transformed, your... clothes, they..." 

He cracked one eye open to see a (thankfully) clothed Tohru with a beet-red face. 

"C- C- Cl- Cloth-" 

"I didn't see anything! Honest! There wasn't anything to see! No, I mean, I mean, I didn't look long enough to see if there was anything to see!" 

Even though he was a cat, Kyo could feel his face burning. He looked up to see that her face was , if possible, even redder. 

"Ummm, uhhh... Attacks! Yes, attacks, we have to figure out how you're going to fight the monsters with that wand. And I have to help, because I'm your adviser, right? Ha ha ha ha ha!" 

"Attacks?" asked Tohru, the blush starting to fade from her face. 

"Yeah. I mean, I did get drafted into being your mascot, and before that I was gonna teach you some martial arts, so..." 

Now that things had settled down, he final noticed the outfit that she was wearing. It was sort of like her school uniform, but shining white and metallic gold rather than the school colors; the skirt was also _longer_ than the school uniform's, rather than shorter (thank God!). Metallic gold ribbons were twined through her hair, and she had on thigh-high white boots with high heels. 

Pick a klutzy girl who knows nothing about fighting, put her in a stupid outfit and _high heels_, and send her out to fight the forces of evil; feh. Why not just pick a cute fluffy bunny rab- Kyo ruthlessly crushed the thought of Momiji as a magical girl before it could escape and scar his mind. 

"So how do I do an attack?" she asked. 

"Uhhh, like you did for the transformation: just wave that wand around and say the first thing that comes to your mind. Aim for that tree over there." 

She randomly waved the wand around for a few seconds, the began waving it in a more purposeful manner. 

"Cutey..." she said. 

Cutey? In an attack name? 

"Syrup..." 

Syrup?! Oh God, they were doomed. 

"Blast!" 

**_BOOM_!**

... Okay, so maybe they weren't doomed. The bolt of light had, somehow, looked like maple syrup. It had also managed, God knows how, to look cute. But most importantly, it had shattered the tree into splinters. 

"Good!" said Kyo. "Good, we're making some good progress. But that was kind of slow. Can you do it faster, at that tree next to the previous one?" 

She quickly went through the hand motions as she shouted "CuteySyrupBlast!" 

**_CRACK_!**

The bolt of light had been smaller and dimmer than before, and had only torn a chunk out of the tree, rater than shatter it. 

"Hmmmm," mused Kyo. "Guess it didn't have the time to build up to full strength. You know how to transform, and how to attack, so what other ways to advise you... First off, no speeches! You're gonna blast the monster into oblivion, so why take time to tell it how evil it is? Attack first, while it's surprised. 

"Hai!" she said, looking intense and serious. 

"For that matter, since it's evil, don't play fair with it at all. Sneak up on it and do the chant thing quietly, so that it won't know what hit it." 

"Hai!" 

"And... Um... I dunno. Geez, I wish I'd have watched more of those magical girl shows; I can't think of anything else right now." 

"That's alright, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best!" 

God, he hoped so... 

"Hey, wait!" he said. "You can do some magic with that wand, maybe you can undo the lock the blob of light put on me." 

"Alright, Kyo-kun. I'll just point the wand at you, wait for the words to pop in my head..." 

She closed her eyes and waited... And waited... And waited... 

"That's enough," Kyo said, sighing. "Looks like it's not going to work." 

"B-but it has to work! It's might fault that you're like this! Uh, um, Abracadabra!" 

Kyo looked at the wand pointed at him, still a cat. 

"Look," he said, "just using random words isn't going to-" 

He jerked his head around to stare at his tail, which was lengthening. It kept growing, and growing, and growing... Finally, it stopped, just hanging there in the air. 

"What the-" 

And it struck, coiling around him and squeezing. 

"S-s-stop it!" he choked out, gasping for air. 

"Uh, uh, uh, Hocus Pocus!" 

The colors in his fur began strobing. 

"Uh, uh, uh..." 

* * *

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'msosorry! I'msosorry!I'msosorry!I'msosorry!" 

Kyo glared at Tohru. She had final managed to unwrap his tail from around his body, by way of shaping it into an outline of Elvis. His fur, now a vibrant pink, was spotted with rabbit-tail like puffs of neon-green fluff; his eyes had become huge, and he could _feel_ them glisten; he was generating sparkles, which were slowly wafting away on the gentle breeze; and his left front paw was somehow _whistling_ Beethoven's fifth symphony. 

"I'msosorry!I'msosorry!I'msosorry!I-" 

"Shut up!" he shouted. She flinched back, looking at him with large, watery eyes. 

"We just have to figure out how to change me back," he said. 

"I... I'm sorry, Kyo-kun, but I've run out of magic words." 

"Thank God," he muttered. 

"Eh?" 

"Never mind. Look, _I'll_ figure out what you'll do, okay?" 

She nodded miserably. 

"Ummm..." he said. "Okay, try this. Point the wand at me and say 'undo'. Just 'undo', nothing else. Got it?" 

"H-hai." She slowly pointed the wand at him. "Undo!" 

Nothing happened. 

"Okay," Kyo said, "I didn't really-" 

Suddenly the green puffs popped out of existence and his fur began changing colors; turning his head, he could see his tail straightening out and shortening. In a few seconds, he was back to normal. 

"Yes!" he cried, doing the best victory dance he could manage in a cat's body. Suddenly he found himself crushed in Tohru's arms. 

"We did it, Kyo-kun! We did it!" 

"Can't- Breath!" gasped Kyo. 

"S-sorry!" she said as she dropped him to the ground. 

"Hmmm. Now- Aha! Point the wand at me and say 'unlock'. That might get rid of the lock that stupid ball put on me." 

"Unlock!" 

Kyo waited, and waited a little more. 

"Guess not," he said. "Try 'human'." 

"Human!" 

Still nothing. 

"Oh well," he sighed. "Guess I'll just have to stay a cat until that stupid ball comes back. So we have to come up with an excuse for me being gone." 

"Excuse?" she asked, head titled to the side. "Why?" 

"We can't let the others know." 

"Why? They'll be worried about you, especially Kagura. And should Akito be-" 

"No!" he interrupted. "That..." That might be a bad idea. "I mean, magical girl stuff, you have to keep it secret, right? I mean, you keep the Jyuunishi curse secret from your friends, so, so..." 

"Alright, Kyo-kun." 

He breathed a sigh of relief. Now, an excuse. That should be simple, all... 

He then noticed the trees that had been Tohru's target practice. Damn! He should have had her do that out in the woods, where no one would notice it. Hmmm.... Aha! 

"Okay," he said, "here's what you tell them. A ball of light flew into the backyard, blasted the trees, and then turned me into a cat, and I chased after it." 'The best lies have an element of the truth to them', he remembered hearing. 

"Alright, but will you be okay sleeping outside?" 

"That's what I have fur for." 

"What will you eat?" 

"I can hunt, I'll just catch some mice and- No, I am _not_ going to eat a mouse. Squirrels, yeah, I'll catch some of those." 

"No! Let me sneak some food out for you. I can put your milk into a bowl, right?" 

"Yeah, I-" 

"Tohru-kuuunnnn", called Shigure's voice. "Stupid caaaatttt. Where are youuuu?" 

"Damn!" said Kyo. "I gotta go hide. Tell the story to Shigure. The ball of light did it all, and I chased it, remember?" 

"H-hai." He could tell it bothered her to lie like that, but... 

He raced off towards the woods as Tohru went back into the house. 

* * *

Authors Notes: 

That's right, Tohru is a magical girl and Kyo is her mascot! Bwahahahahahahaahaha- _cough choke wheeze_

Anyways, I probably won't continue this for a while, since I don't really know where it's going to be going. So, please send me ideas and suggestions! If I use your idea (or am inspired by it), I'll credit you. And please send them directly to me, matt@nightrealms.com, so that it will be a surprise for everyone else. 

Specific ideas I'm looking for (though I'll take anything you can come up with) are: 

- Who is the enemy?   
- What are they after?   
- What sorts of monsters should there be?  
- Who else should be recruited as magical girls?  
- What should the name of the group be?  
- What will Akito do when he eventually learns that, a talking ball of light stumbled upon the Sohma secret?  
- Any magical girl cliches that should be parodied.  


I also welcome any critiques of the story so far; be harsh. 

Thanks! 


	2. Chapter 2

Princess Tohru shifted from foot to foot, fidgeting nervously. She'd been given such an awesome responsibility, and she was clumsy, and not that smart, and she didn't know if- 

She swallowed her nervousness as the throne room doors opened, then walked through them and towards the throne, praying that she wouldn't embarrass herself by tripping. Thankfully, she made it without incidence to the throne, where she knelt before the queen. 

"Your Majesty," she said, her head bowed. 

"Now, now," said Queen Kyoko with a smile in her voice, "no need for such formality. "Up, up!" 

She got to her feet, nervously adjusting her skirt. 

"Yes, mothe- I mean, Queen, ah-" 

The queen laughed warmly. 

"Nervous about your first assignment, dear?" 

Tohru nodded, looking at her feet. 

"Y-yes, I am. I'm sorry, I-" 

"Nonsense! Anyone would be nervous if they were in your shoes. Everything will work out fine." 

"Yes, mother!" Tohru said, smiling happily at the queen; she always knew what to say to make her feel better. 

"Now," the queen said, raising the wand before her, "I send you off on your first duty..." She brought the wand down, and the world rippled around Tohru. "To defend the secret base!" 

Everything turned to mist before her eyes, then snapped back into focus. She was standing before Yuki's vegetable garden, howling winds threatening to tear away what he'd worked so hard for. With a wave of her wand a translucent dome sprung up around the garden, protecting it from the wind. She sighed in relief, but then tensed up. Something... Something was out there! 

Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard a rumbling roar echo through the woods. A stomping sound mixed with the sharp cracks of breaking wood started, getting louder, closer... She saw trees falling to the ground, pushed aside by a huge bulk, barreling towards the garden, and then it burst into view- 

A 20 foot tall gopher, eyes burning pits of fire, acidic slime dripping from its fearsome incisors. It threw its head back and shrieked. 

"Halt, evil garden creature!" yelled Tohru. "Vegetables are for eating, not for eating! In the name of my homework, I shall punish you!" 

"Beep! Beep! Beep!" chirped the slavering gopher. 

"Huh?" she said. 

"Beep! Beep! Beep!" 

"Beep! Beep! Beep!" beeped her alarm clock. She sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes. A dream... Just a dream. 

Or was it? Dreams were important to magical girls, right? She furrowed her brow in concentration, memorizing the details of the dream, then got out of bed and began dressing for the day. Would the enemy attack Yuki's vegetable garden? Maybe it really _was_ a secret base? And why did she say "in the name of my homework"? She wanted to graduate high-school, for her mother, so she guessed it was important, but... Homework in general? "In the name of homework?" Mmmm... "In the name of education." Yes, that was much better! An education was an extremely important thing. But what did that have to do with Yuki's vegetable garden? "In the name of vegetables?" No. "In the name of dinner?" No, that- 

She flinched as she finished combing her hair. Kyo had told her not to make any speeches to the enemy, and here she was, trying to think one up! She'd even done one in her dream! What would Kyo- 

He'd spent the whole night outside! Was he alright?! She flew down the stairs, barely keeping herself from tripping, then ran to the back of the house and flung the door open. 

"Kyo-kun!" she called out, frantically looking around the back door. Was- 

"Sshhhhh!!" 

She looked down and saw him on the porch, glaring up at her. 

"Don't wake everyone up, stupid!" 

"Sorry!" she whispered as she knelt on the porch. "Are you alright, Kyo-kun?" 

"Fine, I'm fine. I was just waiting for you to come out and give me some milk." 

"Oh! Yes, right away!" 

She scampered into the kitchen, came back with a bowl and his carton of milk, and poured it into the bowl. He lowered his head and began lapping at it, but then stopped to look up at Tohru. 

"I wanted to remind you, when you fight a monster, *don't* give it some silly speech. Your enemy-" 

He stopped and glared at her when he noticed her flinch. 

"You were thinking about doing it, weren't you?" 

"I- I'm sorry, but I had a dream where I made a speech, and when I woke up I was trying to make it better, and-" 

"Never mind. Just don't do it for real, okay?" 

"Hai! I won't... Oh! That reminds me, the dream I had, and I thought it might be important, since I'm a magical girl." 

He simply looked at her. "And?" 

"And? Oh! A magical girl's dreams can be prophetic, yes?" 

Kyo sighed as he sat down. "I guess. What was the dream?" 

"Well, I was a princess, and my mother gave me my first job as a magical girl. So she sent me off to guard Sohma-kun's secret base, and..." 

She faltered. Kyo was giving her a Look. It was a strange look to see on the face of a cat. 

"W-Well, I was guarding his vegetable garden, and a giant gopher attacked... it..." 

His eyebrow — or what a cat had instead of an eyebrow — was twitching. 

"So... So... I..." 

"I don't think it's a prophetic dream," he said flatly. 

"Really?" 

"Yes. Now let me drink this milk before anyone else wakes up." 

"Hai!" 

* * *

Yuki sighed, then repeated the lie. 

"Kyo decided that, to beat me at martial arts, he needed more training, so he left for the mountains where he was training before." 

"Ooohhh," sighed one of his female classmates. "Such dedication! I bet he's meditating under a freezing cold waterfall and wrestling with wild animals!" 

Yuki sighed again as he picked at his lunch; what did some girls see in the stupid cat? He glanced up at Honda-san, then back down at his lunch. Well, girls besides her; she always managed to see the best in _anyone_, even the cat; even his annoying older brother. 

"So, when will Kyo-chan be back?" 

Kyo-_chan_? He'd been called that his very first day here, while Yuki was still "Sohma-_kun_"... 

"He comes and goes as he pleases." Like a cat. "I couldn't even guess when he'll come back." 

Actually, if Kyo was smart, he'd probably never come back. Akito knew about the incident with the ball of light; Yuki had had to tell him. The ball was either the manifestation of power of a powerful sorcerer, or an alien life form. Either way, it knew about the Jyuunishi curse, and was most certainly beyond any influence Akito might have. An outsider that knew about the curse, had interfered with Sohma family matters, and that Akito could not control... If Kyo ever came back, Akito would probably take it out on him. Yuki shuddered; he wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even the cat. 

"So," Uotani said, "what's got Orange Head so fired up about beating you?" 

He sighed; more lies. 

"Well," he said, "he-" 

He was interrupted by an inhuman screech coming for outside, followed by an "Ohohohoho!" 

"Ayame?" he muttered as everyone rushed to the windows. No, the voice was too feminine. 

"What was _that_?" said a boy. 

"Maybe..." mused a girl. "Maybe someone practicing for a play, or something?" 

"I dunno, maybe-" 

This time, the interruption was a _very_ human shriek of terror, followed by another. Uotani sat up from her slouch, concern creasing her face. 

"Hey, Tohru, what do you... Tohru?" 

Yuki looked up from his lunch and scanned the classroom: Tohru was nowhere to be found. 

"Where-" 

"Damn!" Uotani yanked herself to her feet and pulled an iron pipe from under her desk. "I bet she went to check if anyone was hurt! Come on, Prince!" 

Yuki vaulted out of his desk and dashed after her. Damn, she was right! Tohru _would_ do something like that. He cursed himself as he flew down the stairs; he should have noticed her leaving! If she got hurt... 

They burst out the school's doors to the scene of people running around in panic. 

"Ohohohoho!" 

"_That_ way!" Uotani shouted; not like she needed to. They ran past the terrified students, through a copse of tree, and- 

Skidded to a halt. At the other side of the clearing was a... A cross between a woman and a... 

"A _gopher_?" said Uotani. 

Fur. Long incisors that could, by no stretch of the imagination, but called "buck-toothed." Non-human ears. Rodent-like nose. Yet, it — _she_ — stood erect, with human legs and human arms ending in clawed hands. Her whiskers twitched and her ears flicked this way and that; could that possibly be a costume? 

"Ohohoho!" 

He snapped his head around and- Ayame?! No. The face was similar, as was the long white hair... But there was no way that Ayame's legs could look _that_ good. And he couldn't fake breasts like that, not with a blouse so thin and tight and- 

"Yo, Prince, don't drool. Especially not over someone who looks like she forgot to wear her spiked shoulder pads." 

"Good!" said the woman, dramatically flinging her midnight-black cape behind her. "Some fresh meat to play with." She turned to the human/animal hybrid and snapped "Gopherette!" 

"So it _is_ a gopher," said Uotani. 

"Kill them!" 

The gopher-thing rushed at them, but Yuki did nothing; he just couldn't take it seriously. Really, when you got stuck in a situation straight out of a cheesy anime, what were- 

"Cutey!" 

Gopherette stumbled as Yuki turned towards the voice. It seemed to have come from a girl in a ridiculous metallic gold and blindingly white school girl uniform, spasmodically waving a rod around while performing a pirouette. 

"Kill her!" shouted the woman with the tight blouse and great legs while pointing at the girl. "_Her_!" 

Gopherette spun and rushed at her, and Yuki sprinted after it; somehow, it had suddenly clicked that this was _real_, and that he couldn't let the girl get hurt. Catching up, he delivered a vicious chop to the back of it's neck, then a crescent- 

The world suddenly spun as pain blazed through his chest. 

"Oof!" 

Wha? Did he hit the ground? He shakily lifted his head to see Gopherette stalking towards him, hissing. 

"No, no, no!" screamed the white haired woman. "The girl, you idiot! The girl!" 

"Syrup!" called out the girl as Gopherette looked back and forth between Yuki and her. 

"The girl!" 

The gopher-thing hesitated, shook its head in confusion... 

"Blast!" 

_BOOM_! 

A few shreds of charred fur drifted down through the air. 

Uotani whistled. "Man, that was something." 

"Grrrr! You!" cried the scowling woman, pointing at the girl in the strange outfit. "You... You... Whoever you are! This is the _only_ time you'll interfere, for I'll take care of you myself!" 

"Hey now," said Uotani as she casually ambled up to the woman. "Don't forget about _us_, huh? The 'fresh meat'?" 

The woman gave her a contemptuous glance. 

"I'll get to _you_ later. No, you... whoever you are. Prepare toOof !" 

She doubled over, the end of a steel pipe buried in her stomach. Uotani jerked it back, slammed it down on the top of her head, then rammed her knee into her chin as she fell. Surprisingly, the instant the woman hit the ground, she began struggling to her feet. 

"Oh," said Uotani, bouncing the pipe on her should. "Ah tough one, are you?" She brought the pipe down in a vicious overhanded arc- 

Which struck a translucent sphere surrounding the woman, bounding back and hitting Uotani in the head. She fell to the ground, hands clutching her head, as the woman staggered to her feet; the strange girl rushed over to Uotani's side, kneeling down to check her head. 

"Goo-" the woman grimaced and spat out some blood. "Good. The three of you are altogether now. That will make putting you all through Hell that much easier." 

"Put who through hell?" asked a quite voice. 

Yuki turned his head and winced at the pain it caused. Hanajima. Took her long enough, Yuki thought muzzily. 

"Heh. If you want to play hero like your friends, it's too late! I've set up a barrier against physical attacks." She laughed manically as the sphere surrounding her flared. 

"Physical attacks?" Hanajima asked thoughtfully. 

"Yes, physical attacks, so-" 

The woman began convulsing as electricity crawled up and down her body, her clothes smoldering. Yuki blinked; he thought those power of hers were only rumors... 

She stepped closer to the re-collapsed woman, face as expressionless as ever. The tiny lightning bolts faded, and she asked "Why did you attack Uotani and Sohma?" 

The woman simply glared up at her, defiant, as tendrils of smoke drifted up from her clothes. 

"No?" Hanajima asked. "Very well then." 

"No!" Yuki called out weakly, his breath still knocked out of him. "Don't-" 

A bolt of lightning blasted Hanajima, hurling her back several yards to land in a heap. The strangely dressed girl rushed over to check on her as the woman got shakily to her feet. 

"I- I- I-" she stuttered as the occasional spark flew off of her. "I never e-expected someone w-with such strong mental powers." Weaving her hands in an intricate pattern, the translucent sphere around her thickened. "Now that I have shielded myself against every type of attack, I think I shall enjoy... playing with her." 

At this statement the strangely dressed girl stood, a determined, yet scared, look on her face. 

"I... I won't let you hurt them anymore!" 

"Really?" sneered the woman; she really does have great legs, Yuki thought absently. "You may have taken care of Gopherette, but what are you going to do when confronted with _me_?!" 

"I... I..." she clenched her hands around the rod — the wand — in growing panic, then thrust it out at the woman. 

"Abracadabra!" 

"What?" Yuki and the woman said in unison. 

"Hocus pocus!" 

The woman blinked. 

"Bippity-boppity-boo!" 

She threw her head back and laughed. 

"'Hocus pocus', little girl? You think that will stop the likes of me? Why... What?" 

She grabbed a lock of her white hair and stared at it. It seemed to be... Yes, it _was_ growing longer. Down to her waist... Down to her knees... 

"What the hell is- Urk!" 

Pale locks of hair danced and writhed and squeezed her neck. Her hands yanked and clawed at the living coiffure in a desperate attempt to breath. 

"Gggghhh... Gggghhhh... I'll... get... you... for..." 

And she quickly faded away. 

The strangely dressed girl blinked, blinked again, then gave a full body jerk as she realized what happened. 

"Oh! I... Ah... That is..." 

She blinked again, then put her hands on her hips and struck a dramatic pose. 

"Vile... evil person! Schools are places for learning, not for... being attacked at! In the name of dinner, I, Sailor Moon, have punished you!" 

Tossing her hair back, she spun on her heel, then froze. 

"Wait, no," she mused, "not dinner, no, in the name of..." 

"Hold on," said Uotani, who had pushed herself up to her knees. "You can't be Sailor Moon: even with all the crazy stuff that just happened, Sailor Moon is still just a manga." 

"I... No!" the self proclaimed magical girl said, frantically waving her arms in denial. "No no no no! I'm, I'm not, I didn't mean to, I'm not really..." She began hopping from foot to foot and wringing her hands as she wailed "Ohhhh, I can't tell you who I am!" 

Strange; the way the girl way acting seemed familiar. Yuki tried pushing himself upright, and groaned as a headache washed through his skull. 

"Oh"! cried the magical girl as she rushed towards him. "Sohma-kun, are you alright?" 

Sohma-kun? How did she know his name? And why "-kun"? He tried to wave off her offer of help, but she grabbed the arm he was waving and yanked him up to his feet, on a collision course with her body- 

Her body. Her body was pressed up against his, and he hadn't transformed. Her body, soft and warm, with her breasts- 

He leapt back, his face burning. 

"I..." he said. Could it be a boy in drag? No, fake breasts wouldn't have felt like that. He didn't have any experience to back that judgment up, but- 

His face instantly grew hotter when he realized what he was thinking. 

"I-" they said simultaneously. 

He looked up and studied her crimson face. Why hadn't he transformed? Why... She looked familiar for some reason: huge eyes, brown hair, the way she held herself, the- 

"Awwww, isn't this cute." A battered Uotani, supporting an unsteady looking Hanajima, walked up to them. "So, when are you going to ask her out?" 

"No!" Yuki and the girl chorused as the waved their arms. "No! IWe -" 

They stopped when Hanajima shook free of Uotani and stumbled up to the magical girl. Pushing a strand of hair out of her face, she studied the closely. 

"Your denpa..." she murmured, narrowing her eyes. 

"Eheheh," laughed the girl as she shifted nervously. "I... I have to be going..." 

Hanajima's eyes flew open. "Tohru-kun?" 

The girl paled, then spun and ran for the woods. 

Honda-san?! 


	3. Chapter 3

GLOSSARY: 

doujinshi: The manga equivalent of fan fiction. 

cosplaying: Shortened form of "Costume Playing". People dress up as characters from anime or manga. 

* * *

* * *

Arisa gave a start when Saki shook free of her and stumbled over to the magical girl. 

"Your denpa..." she murmured. 

Huh? Magical girls must have pretty interesting denpas to get her to stand on her own while she was still wobbling. She stepped forwards and put a hand on her shoulder as Saki scrutinized the strangely dressed girl. 

"Your denpa..." she murmured, making the magical girl nervous. 

"Eheheh. I... I have to be going..." 

Saki twitched. "Tohru-kun?" she said in a shocked voice. 

The magical girl paled, then spun and fled into the woods. Arisa blinked once before running after her. Tohru? The girl had acted just like Tohru would've, and had the same hair and height... 

She skidded to a stop when she saw Tohru half-hidden by young trees and bushes... Talking to an orange cat. 

"Wh-what should I do, Kyo-kun?" she asked in a pleading voice. 

Wha? Why was she calling the cat "Kyo"? 

"Calm down!" the cat snapped in Kyo's voice. Arisa blinked, shaking her head. Wha- 

"She went his way!" shouted a voice behind her. Damn! She leapt through the screen of bushes, grabbed Tohru's hand, and snapped out "Run!". 

"U-U-Uo-chan?!" Tohru struggled to keep up, then nearly yanked Arisa off her feet when she tripped. Cursing, she scooped up Tohru in her arms and ran. 

"Ehhhhhh?!?!" 

Dodging and weaving around the trees, Arisa huffed and panted; she hadn't realized that Tohru was this heavy. 

"Uo-cha-" 

"Shhh!" 

Ugh, did Tohru need to go on a diet? But she'd be getting plenty of exercise, fighting those gopher things- 

Arisa shook her head and focused on the here and now. Hmmm, about halfway around the school campus. She put Tohru back on her feet with a sigh, a feeling relief spreading through her arms; damn, maybe **she** was the one who needed to get into shape. Pausing for breath, she looked down at the ground and saw the orange cat, staring at her. 

"Heya, Kyon-Kyon," she panted. 

"Meow." 

"Cats don't **say** meow, moron." 

Its snarled "Why you-" 

She smirked in triumph as the cat snapped its mouth shut. 

"Uo-chan, wha-" 

"C'mon," Arisa said as she set off in a jog, "let's get gone." Tohru kept pace, as did orange head -- or, actually, orange **body**. Heh. 

"I..." Tohru said, panic and fear blooming on her face. "My secret identity! It-" 

"Don't worry, none of us are going to tell." 

"B-but you and Hana-chan and Sohma-kun got hurt, and-" Tears shimmered at corners of her eyes; 

"But we're all okay, and you got the... gopher in the end." 

They stopped at a corner and Arisa peered around it, finding the side of the school deserted. 

"But, but, it's a magical girl's job to protect people, and I needed your help, and-" 

Tsk; the girl was always too hard on herself. They rounded the corner at a walk. 

"Who says a magical girl can't get any help from civilians? And you did a pretty good job for your first time." 

"Yeah," said Kyo, "what she said." 

"Shhh! Cats don't talk, and they don't follow people around like dogs. Make yourself scarce." Jeez, she was talking to a human-turned-cat like it was normal, with a magical girl walking by her side; shouldn't she be freaking out? Had hanging around with Saki made her immune to weird stuff? 

Kyo glared at her for a moment, then ran off as Tohru sniffled. 

"C'mon," she said as she patted her on the head, "you **did** blast that gopher thing, and got whats-her-face to leave for an emergency hair styling appointment; if it wasn't for you, we... Well, I don't know what would've happened, what with a were-gopher attacking the school, but you definitely saved us." 

A weak smile grew on Tohru's lips. "Th-thank you, Uo-chan." 

Good; she hated to see her beat herself up after having saved the day. She'd really have to work on that girl's self esteem. 

"Now, lets go find Saki and the prince." 

* * *

Yuki pinched the bridge of his nose as he finally managed to extract himself from the crowd; avoiding contact with all those girls, many of whom were **very** eager to check on his good health, had added fuel to the headache he'd gotten from getting trounced by that gopher girl. Ugh, was this how the dumb cat felt after one of their fights? The thing had been faster than any human had a right to be, which made sense, since magical girls generally didn't fight with humans. 

Magical girl. Honda-san was a magical girl. He started shaking his head, then stopped with a wince as it set his headache lancing through his skull; ugghhh. He'd have to go see the nurse. Careful to not turn his head to quickly, he walked into the school building and down the hallways, pondering the fact that Honda-san was a magical girl. For a moment, he felt a stab of betrayal, that she hadn't told him, but that was unfair: as a Jyuunishi, he had to keep his curse a secret from everyone, and as a magical girl, she had to keep it a secret from everyone. They even kept it a secret from their parents. It was just a fact of life for magical girls... 

Wait. A fact of life for magical girls? There wasn't enough magical girls to establish a pattern like that, seeing as how magical girls didn't exist (until now, at least). Everything he knew about them came from fiction, so how reliable could that knowledge be? Yet she'd had the weird costume, magic wand, and absurd attack phrase, just like fiction portrayed magical girls, so... 

Thinking about it made his head hurt worse, so he set the matter aside as he stepped into the nurse's office, resolving to think about it later. 

"Hello, Sohma-kun!" nurse Sakura Konno said, practically glowing at him. Ugh, even some of the school's faculty acted like members of his 'fan club'. It took a supreme effort of will to concentrate past the pain and perform his normal act of obliviousness towards the worship that too many girls gave him. 

"Hello, Konno-san. I have a rather bad headache; could you please give me some sort of pain killer?" 

She was instantly on her feet in front of him, looking at him with a level of concern that seemed rather unprofessional. 

"Oh dear, what happened? Were you involved in that incident outside?" 

"I-incident?" Uh-oh. 

"Yes, there were some gang members in strange costumes scaring the students, and then there was a flash of light with a sound of something like a blast... You weren't hurt by the blast, were you?" 

No, I simply had my ass handed to me by a minion of evil. 

"A... gang member struck me down, and I hit my head against the ground." 

"You poor thing! Do you have a concussion? Mmmm, your pupils seem to be dilated properly. Here, sit, let me check for other wounds." 

He suffered her taking off his shirt and sat there stoically, his headache growing stronger with each throb as her hands spent too much time roaming his bare torso in search of 'wounds'. 

"Well, you seem to be fine," she said, her voice tinged with disappointment rather than relief; she'd probably been looking forward to 'playing nurse' for a bit longer. "Just a few bruises." 

"About my headache, do you have anything stronger than aspirin?" 

"Oh dear, its that bad? I'm sorry, but I believe that your file says you aren't to be given any medication without consulting your family doctor first. I'll-" 

"No," he interrupted as he stood up carefully. "I'll call him." He wanted those damn painkillers **now**, and he wasn't going to allow for any delays. 

"No, no, I-" She turned around as someone else walked into the room. "Oh, another patient." She sounded rather dejected about this development. 

He punched Hatori's number into the phone and held the handset away from his ear, the shrill ringing shredding through his brain. 

"Hello," said a pleasant female voice, "doctor Sohma's practice. How may I help you?" 

"This is Yuki Sohma. May I speak with Hatori, please?" 

"Yuki-san!" the receptionist said in a slightly breathy voice. Gods, even his cousin's secretary! Wasn't there anywhere on earth he could go without having women go all googly eyed over him? "Certainly, Yuki-san, I'll transfer you to his office right away." 

He waited for several throbbing moments before Hatori's voice said, "Yes, Yuki?" 

"Hatori, I have a rather bad headache, and I need for you to tell the nurse that she can give me some pain killers." 

"A headache? Caused by what?" 

"Well... I-" Yuki hissed as shards of broken glass bounced and careened around inside his skull. He concentrated past the blazing headache and ground out, "H-Honda-san became a magical girl, there was this monster, and-" 

"**What** did you say?" demanded Hatori. 

"I said..." 

He squinted, thinking past the pain. What **had** he said? 

... 

Oh, crap. 

* * *

Karuishi, Devourer of Souls, Killer of Hope, She Who Ate Children Who Didn't Eat Their Vegetables, finally got the containment spell in place around her hair, so that now it merely shifted from straight to curly to wavy, rather than try to strangle her. Safe from auto-styling asphyxiation, she thought about the revenge she'd get on that meddling magical girl. The bitch! She'd been **proud** of her long hair. It could blow dramatically in the wind, or she could toss it over her shoulder in annoyance. But now... Now she'd had to cut it into a fashionable bob! She even had to cut her bangs, to keep them from poking her eyes out. She'd only have to dye it from white to black to look like a respectable up-and-coming business woman! Now no one could take her seriously as a source of malice and spite! She'd- 

The weight of the Crystals pressing down on her mind. A summons; damn. She teleported to where her 'superiors' awaited her and knelt on bended knee. 

"Jeez," said one of them, "what did you do to your hair?" 

"Shut up!" another hissed. "So," the voice continued, "it would seem that you failed." 

Ugh. Could she get any more cliche? 

"Yes," she replied, "it would seem so. It would also seem that you failed to inform me about the Lightning Bitch." 

"Wha?" 

"The school girl with black-painted finger nails who blasted me with lightning." 

They retreated into a huddle of worried whispers, filled with nervous gestures and wary glances thrown her way. So, they didn't trust her; smart of them, since if she could manage to get the Crystals off of them, she'd wring their- 

They broke out of their huddle and stood before her again. 

"In addition to failing," one of the said, "you attacked at the school." 

"And I wasn't supposed to? That's **two** things you failed to tell me." 

"Additionally, you put the grey haired boy in danger. He is needed for our plans." 

Damn! She should have killed the boy while she'd still had the chance. 

"A third thing you failed to tell me. Are there any **other** things you'd like to not tell me?" 

"Silence! The... Lightning Bitch, you may do with as you wish." 

"Thank you **so** much for telling me how to do my job." 

"Silence!! Since you failed, Karuishi, we'll be sending out Tarukamu next." 

That little twit? Good, she'd be sure to screw things up. Maybe she could trick her into doing something unpleasant to the Crystal holders. 

"That will be all," said the seeming leader of the Crystal holders. 

"And the wretched magical girl who opposed me? Do you have any special needs concerning **her**, like the ones you failed to inform me about the school and the grey haired boy." 

"Ummm... Well, I mean, you a Dark General type, and she's a magical girl, so, well, she's your enemy, right? So you just try to defeat her like normal, right?" 

Karuishi ground her teeth, making an effort to keep silent. Wring their necks? No, that was to good for them. She'd- 

"Say," said another one of them, "I like what her hair's doing. Think she could do the same for my hair?" 

"Shut up!!" said the first one. 

Yes, **far** too good for them. 

* * *

"Sohma-kun!" Tohru cried as he stepped out of the nurse's office. "Are you alright? You were in there for so long." 

The prince waved his hand in dismissal. 

"Fine, I'm fine. I just had to wait a bit for the pain killers to take affect." 

Tohru's hand shot to her mouth as her eyes widened in dismay. 

"P-pain? Oh, no, I-" 

Arisa put a hand on her shoulder and smiled. 

"He's coming away from the nurse on his own two feet, so he's okay." 

Tohru smiled weakly, and Arisa gave her shoulders a squeeze as she said, "Well, then, we'll walk you home." 

"Home?" said the prince, blinking in puzzlement. 

"Yeah, because of the pipe bomb set off by those gang members." She winked at him as she said this. 

"B-bomb?" he ask, now completely confused. 

"Yeah, a pipe bomb." *_Wink_* "You remember, those cosplaying gang members?" *_Wink_* "The one dressed like a gopher kicked your ass, then the one dressed up like Naga the Serpent from 'Slayers' threw a pipe bomb while shouting 'Cutey Syrup Blast'?" *_Wink_* *_Wink_* *_Wink_* 

He blinked a few times, then nodded and winced. 

"My stuff-" 

Saki silently lifted up his book-bag, which he took from her gingerly, as if afraid to touch her; heh, even the prince in shining armor was afraid of her. He gripped the book-bag's handle firmly, adjusted his tie, and then walked down the hallway, the rest of them following him. Pausing only to exchange their school shoes for their normal shoes, they pushed through the front doors, skirted a milling crowd of students and passed through the school gates. Thankfully, all of the Princess Club members in the club had been too agitated by the 'bombing' to notice Tohru walking next to Yuki. Now, nonchalantly, since we aren't sneaking, walk away from the gates, turn a corner, walk a ways, and then some more, no sign of the Princess Club, or of anyone else for that matter, so now would be a good time for a certain orange flea-bag to show up... 

"Ah...." said the prince. "Honda-san, I..." 

"Yes?" she replied. 

Arisa glanced at him long enough to see the guilty look on the face. Was he feeling bad about not being able to protect her from the Gopher Girl? Hmmm. Now where was that damned fur-ball? 

"What are you looking for, Arisa-kun?" Saki asked as Arisa scanned the trees, bushes and fences they were walking past. 

"Huh? Oh, just for-" 

She snapped her head around at the sound of Tohru's gasp to find the object of her search perched on Tohru's shoulders. 

"Heya, Kyon-kyon." The cat simply glared at her. 

"K-K-K-Kyon-kyon?" stuttered Yuki, eyes wide in horror. 

"Yeah, orange head here got turned into Tohru's magical girl animal adviser type thing." 

Yuki opened and shut his mouth like a fish, then snapped it shut before yelling, "You stupid cat! You let them find out!" 

The cat snarled, "Why, you-" 

"Claws!" gasped Tohru, and the cat forced itself to relax, its tail lashing. 

"It does not matter," said Saki, who staring steadily at the fur-ball. "The cat's denpa is nearly the same as that of Kyo-kun; they are clearly one and the same." [see notes] Both the prince and the cat gave a start at that, sending Saki wary glances. Hnnnn, strange... 

"Anyhow," Arisa said, "now that the adviser is here, we have to figure out how to keep the magical girl stuff secret. We can't let anyone else find out..." She ground to a stop at the increasingly uncomfortable look on Yuki's face. 

"Ah..." said the prince. "When I was talking to Hatori on the phone... I kind of, well, told him that Honda-san was a magical girl-" 

"What?!" Arisa and Kyo yelled in unison, causing the prince to wince. 

"M-my headache was making it hard to concentrate, and-" 

"And you were yelling at **me** about keeping secrets?!" Kyo shouted. 

"Kyo-kun! People might hear you!" 

"Damn!" said Arisa. "Who is this Hatori person?" 

"The Sohma family doctor," replied Yuki. 

"Hmmm. Maybe he'll just think your brain was out of whack from getting hit on the head." 

"Who would the doctor have told about this?" asked Saki. 

"Well, probably-" Yuki stopped as a car pulled to a stop beside them. A bishounen looking man with black hair falling over one eye stepped out of the car and looked at the cat. 

"Hatori!" called Kyo, causing the man to stare at him wide-eyed. "Who did you tell about Tohru?" 

Arisa whacked Kyo and yelled, "Idiot! He might have believed the whole magical girl thing was a hallucination if you kept your mouth shut!" 

The man -- Hatori, apparently -- gave her a puzzled look. 

"I never believed that Yuki was hallucinating," he said. 

Arisa boggled at the statement. 

"What?! A patient of yours who's just taken a blow to the head tells you he saw an honest-to-goodness magical girl, and you believe him?" 

The doctor gave her a cool look, his face almost as impassive as Saki's. 

"The Sohma family is a very traditional one, steeped in the legends of old, and we fully believe in the existence of magic." 

"Huh? What 'legends of old' have magical girls in them?" 

"Get in the car," he said, oblivious to her question. "I'll drive you the rest of the way to Shigure's." 

Yuki got into the front passenger's seat while the girls piled in back, with Kyo sitting on Tohru's lap. 

"How many people have you told about the magical girl stuff?" asked Kyo. 

"None," Hatori said. 

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. 

"However, Akito was in my office with me, and overheard everything." 

"Akito?!" Kyo and Yuki yelled in unison. 

"After I hung up, he picked up the phone and said 'I think that Shigure and Ayame should be informed of this, don't you agree?'" 

"What?!" 

"He was smiling when he said it. I think he was amused." From the sound of his voice, Hatori was certainly **not** amused. 

"Did he call anyone else?" 

"He didn't need to," Yuki said sourly. "Once those two know..." 

"Shigure," Saki mused. "He is the one that you two and Tohru-kun live with, but who is Ayame?" 

"My brother," Yuki said, sounding so sour that his mouth must be puckering like he'd licked a lemon. 

"You don't sound too happy about him finding out." 

"Ayame is... You'll see. You'll see." 

"And Akito?" 

"Akito is the head of the Sohma family. He... can be difficult." 

So, not an hour since Tohru's magical girl debut, and, how many.... Seven, **seven** people knew about her secret. Great. 

"So," Arisa said, "how the hell are we going to keep this secret? Too many people know." 

"We Sohmas are good at keeping secrets." 

"Huh? What? Think you could be a little more cryptic, please? 

Unfortunately, at that moment the car pulled up in front of Shigure's house, so she couldn't lay into him with more questions. Geez, the way everyone was reacting to the whole thing was freaking **weird**. As Arisa got out of the car, Shigure, Hatsuharu and Momiji came out the front door and goggled at Kyo the Cat, who was being held by Tohru. There! What the hell was up with that? It was like Tohru with a cat was the last thing on Earth they'd ever imagine. 

"What are those two doing at this house?" Saki asked. 

"I'm tutoring them at math," the prince muttered. 

"The cat here is orange-head," Arisa said. "He got turned into Tohru's magical adviser somehow." 

The three on the porch blinked, then Shigure shook himself briefly before closing his eyes, putting one hand over his heart and the other aloft in the air, a dramatic, silly pose. 

"Ah!" he sighed. "Our delicate flower has come back from her first battle, victorious in her fight against evil!" 

Meanwhile, Momiji rushed off the porch to stand in front of Tohru, bouncing up and down in his school girl uniform. 

"Yay!" he cried. "Now you're a real princess, Princess-Tohru!" 

"Eh?" she said, head titled to the side in puzzlement. 

"Now that you're a magical girl, that means you're a princess, right?" 

Her eyes widened. "P-pr-princess?!" 

"No, she isn't," the cat said flatly. 

"Whhyyyy?" whined Momiji. 

"Because I'm her adviser, and I say so, that's why!" 

"So," said Arisa, "that's what a mascot does? Decide on the royalty of magical girls?" 

"I'm not a mascot!!" 

"Since you seem to know so much, you must have a lot of experience as an 'adviser'." 

"Hey! It's not like I asked for this job! And it's not like you need to be a cat to tell her to not make speeches and to not take that dream seriously." 

"Dream?" 

"Yeah, she dreamed that she was fighting a gopher monster thing, and she told it 'In the name of my homework, I will punish you'. She thought it was a prophetic dream, but I mean, geez-" 

"Gopher monster?" said the prince, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Like the thing Honda-san fought this afternoon?" 

"Homework?" Arisa asked. "Work for **school**, which is where the attack happened?" 

Kyo's eyes widened as his jaw dropped. (She hadn't realized that a cat's jaw **could** drop) He then snapped his mouth shut and glared at Yuki. 

"I'm new at this, okay?! It's not like that stupid ball of light gave me an instruction manual!" 

"Ball of light?" asked Saki. 

"Yeah! It popped up yesterday, turned me into a cat, gave Tohru the magic wand, then disappeared! Stupid bastard didn't tell us anything!!" 

"Still," Yuki said, "that doesn't-" 

Everyone spun as a car roared down the lane to the house -- 

"It's not stopping!" then scattered like pins before a bowling ball. Breaks squealing, it slid sideways to a stop, its front bumper barely caressing the bumper of Hatori's car. Out popped a woman in glasses, wearing a maids outfit, and- And that Dark General chick from before! No, no, wait, they face wasn't quite the same. 

"Where!" cried the white haired woman. "Where is the lovely Tohru-kun, queen of magical girls?!" 

"A-ya-me," the prince ground out as he glared at the white haired... 

"Ayame?" asked Arisa. "That's your **brother**?!" 

"Ah, Tohru-kun!" called the white haired cross-dresser as he rushed over to Tohru and grabbed the shocked girl by her shoulders. "Your magical girl uniform! See it! Yes, I must see it! I must!!" 

"Ah- Ah- Ah-" stammered the confused girl. 

"Brother..." growled the prince. 

"Ayame!" hissed the cat. 

"For my store, my designs!" Ayame cried, flourishing one arm dramatically. "A man's romance, that is the raison d'être of my store. Maid, nurse, waitress, cat ears... And magical girls! Now that there is a real live magical girl, even more men will be clamoring for magical girl uniforms!" 

"Ayame!" Kyo and Yuki shouted together. 

"But to be dressed in the **real** magical girl uniform! Truly, a man's dream come true. Ah, my heart thunders in excitement!" 

"Pervert!" they yelled. 

"I- I- I-" Tohru stammered. 

"Yeah!" Momiji cried as he jumped up and down gleefully. "Magical girl outfits! Since Tohru is already the princess, Hari," he pointed at Hatori, "can be Sailor Pluto, since he's so cool and mysterious!" 

Hatori's left eyebrow began twitching. 

"And," Momiji continued, "I can be Chibi-Usa!!" 

"No you don't!!" yelled Yuki and Kyo. 

"Chibi-Usa is pink," Saki stated, as if that was all that needed to be said on the subject. 

"Ah!" Ayame cried, forefinger held up in the air. "Then the boy crazy Gure-san shall be Sailor Venus!" 

"Aya-san!" said Shigure in a wounded voice as he put a hand over his heart. "How could you say such a thing, when I have eyes only for you! It is you, Sailor Jupiter, who's boy hunger eyes stray from me!" 

"Non, non!" Ayame denied vigorously. "For it is you that I love, my dear Mina-chan!" 

"Ah, sapphic love shared between two Sailor Senshi. Is there anything more forbidden, more unexpected?" 

"No!" shouted the cat. "It isn't unexpected at all! Do you have any idea of how many perverted Sailor Moon doujinshi there are that have the Sailors screwing each other?!" 

"Oh?" Shigure replied, an amused grin on his face. "And how would **you** know such a thing, Kyo-kun?" 

Kyo turned his head away, probably blushing under all the fur, and then snapped his head back to glare at Shigure. 

"You!..." he ground out. "I go looking for **normal** Sailor Moon doujinshi, and find all that perverted stuff mixed in with it!" 

"Oh? And why are you looking at doujinshis of teenage girls in short skirts?" 

"Why you, I..." 

Arisa began tuning it all out. I was gonna be a **long** day. 

* * *

* * *

In the manga, Saki (Hana-chan) has never been in the presence of a transformed Jyuunishi. 

--- 

In chapter 1, Kyo implied that he didn't know much about magical girls, and now he's enough of a Sailor Moon fan to go shopping for SM doujinshi? Oops; that's what you get for making things up as you go along. 

--- 

Since Sailor Moon uses so many mineral references, especial for the bad guys, so I thought I'd use some of my own: 

Karuishi -> Pumice Stone  
Tarukamu -> Talcum  


Heh. ;-) 

I was going to go with something like "Cubic Zirconite", but it turns out that there's already a Zirconia in Sailor Moon. 

--- 

"auto-styling asphyxiation" is a pun off of the phrase "auto-erotic asphyxiation", which means... Well... Basically strangling yourself while you masturbate. Apparently, oxygen deprivation makes orgasms more intense. 


End file.
